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Romance by Boots
 My name is Boots. That's me on
the left. Notice how wonderfully thin I am. See the
spring to my step? Well, let me tell you. These
were in the days before a certain creep named
Charlie dumped me. I had it all. My looks. My
figure. My sense of place. You name it, I had it.
Until that jerk dumped me for her --- Duncan.
What kind of name is that? Puh-lease! Sounds
like the donut.
 Speaking
of names, I think it's terribly unfair that I get
saddled with the name Boots. How imaginative is
that? Grrrrrrrr. Just because I have four white
feet. Just because I walked into a computer lab.
Boots. Damn. Duncan gets named after Lois Duncan
because that humanoid that I live with liked her
suspense stories. Then, that bitch, Ripken, gets
renamed (from Sassy! She was more than Sassy, she
was a BRAT!). Even Charlie is cool name. Me? Boots.
<sigh>
If the humanoid would've known Nora Roberts, I
probably would've been called Roarke or Tucker or
somebody cool like that. Hey! Don't laugh! Ripken's
a girl (at least I think she is!), and she's got a
guy's name. I would've been a FAB Roarke. Or a
great Tucker.
<sigh> Instead, I'm a Boots. No wonder the
blue-eyed wonder dumped me. The picture on the
right is Chuck and I from the good ole days.
 Okay, what the hell am I
suppose to be talking about? Oh yeah, romance. Ha!
Me? Give advice on romance? The humanoid is out to
lunch again.
Speaking of lunch, see that picture of me to the
left? That was moi before the traumas of my life
caused me to become the Roseanne of the cat world
(just the figure, ladies, just the figure).
The humanoid claims it was because I was
starving when I walked into her life. The reality
was I was DEPRESSED. Good ole blue eyes dumped me
for Duncan. What's a girl gonna do when she gets
the heave ho from the guy of her dreams? That's
right! She's gonna eat. For you humanoids, I hear
the food of choice is chocolate. For me, give me
Pounce (with a touch of catnip on the side).
 <sigh> Look at me? I was
young. Had my figure. Life was good. Then that
bitch Duncan moved in. Chuck took one look at her,
and I was history.
Men? What the hell do you women see in them? I
just cannot figure it out. Put on a few pounds, act
a little jealous when they bring home another lady,
and POOF! You're history.
Charlie? Oh, he was a smoothie. Yepper. See, he
played hard to get at first. But once I got my, er,
claws into him, he was purring like the sex-kitten
he is. Oh! The fun we had.
Life was definitely good.
Oh. I'm suppose to be giving POSITIVE advice on
romance! LOL! Silly me.
Okay. Where do I start?
I tell you what. Since I gotta share the
limelight with Kodi (what the hell kind of name is
that?), I might as well talk about what to look for
in the right guy. Since Kodi is a guy (or so I'm
told), I can tell you right now WHAT NOT TO LOOK
FOR! LOLOLOLOL.
If he looks like a dog, acts like a dog, smells
like a dog, well, honey, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING WITH HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE?
You gotta dump him. No choice. Just do it.
Feelings? Ah, don't worry about them. They'll just
pant a little and go find some other babe to lick
her face. Face, kids! Face.
Next time, think CAT when you're man-hunting.
You know, they're sleek and svelte. They move like
a dream. Their physical hygiene is impeccable. And
the eyes? <sigh> Oh the eyes! Give me a guy
with blue or green eyes, and I'm his forever.
(Well, except for those damn Siamese!)
Now, there are other features that are very
important. Does your man like to play games? Yeah,
those kinds of games! Hey, we're not called sex
kittens for nothing, honey! THAT BOOK you've been
all panting over? 101 Nights of Grrrreat
Sex? I could run circles around that! Any cat
worth her weight could.
Can he sing? Yeah. Sing. Nothing like being
serenaded under a full moon. The stars. Clean,
fresh air. Ah! Gets me every time.
Finally (well, for now, hey --- you think I'm
going to give away EVERYTHING today? What do you
take me for? A dog?! Puh-lease!) ... he has to be
able to cuddle. If your man isn't a cuddler,
sweetie, put him outside and go find someone who
will. Nothing better on a cold winter night than
curling up with your fave man. If he cannot handle
it, treat him like he's used cat litter! Bury him!
Yeah, that's right! You deserve far better.
Okay, that's all the more advice you get from me
today.
Where's that humanoid at? This is hard work. I
need to refuel. Hey! A lady's gotta maintain her
figure!
Till next time, ladies. Take care,
otherwise I might have to sit on you! <ewg>
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